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I left the trailhead about 4, rolled back into Escalante for a few minutes, and then decided to start driving home and see how far I got. The drive out of Escalante toward Boulder and Sigurd is unbelievable. I really had to stop several times to take pictures like this one.

On the way up, over this pass, I saw a woman running down the highway, with an old 70s motorhome stalled on the hill. I pulled up to her and asked her what was up. Their old MoHo stalls out at high altitudes, and we were at 8500 feet, which I wasn't all that conscious of. By the time I summited the pass, I was at 9600 feet. I had no idea a place like that existed in Utah. This area has amazing trees in it too--deciduous ones.

I drove all the way home that night, and saw dead elk on the highway in Big Sky, and pulled in the driveway at 5 AM, and crashed shortly thereafter. Back home now, I piddle around the house, go to AA meetings, feel the sore feet and pull cactus slivers from my elbows and fingers. I shaved, did laundry. Chatted on Facebook. But I already miss the solitude. I miss the adventure actually, and the challenge, and the exploration. Anyway, I am so grateful for the opportunities in life I have been given to grow and learn about myself and the world around me. I know some poeple will dislike the way I live, and the choices I make, but if I put my sobriety and my search for god first, everything will be just fine.

Escalante day 8

Back at car at 2:17 PM. I decided to check out the trail that kid in the cove told me about last night, and it was the Crack-in-the-Wall trail I was looking for. Right above where I camped. I saw some people hiking way up above me, and knew I had to catch them to see if they had a car. My car was parked 9 miles from the head of this trail, and I planned on hiking it if I had to, and hope that I could flag down a rare driver on the road. They helped the situation by pausing in the shade under the "Wall" and when I got to them (I saw a dead scorpion on the way to them) I chatted, and they offered me some granola bar which I declined. I did ask if they had a car on top, and they did, and I asked if I could catch a ride back to my car if they were headed that way. They looked at each other, and said sure. I asked them where they were from, and they said Bozeman. Imagine that!

Their names are Victor, Elliot, and Tom. God provides. So I got to chill with three college kids from MSU for the afternoon, on the 3-4 mile hike across the sand and desert on top. We got in Tom's black Subaru, which was designed for three college kids on a roadtrip and all their stuff, not a 40 year old hitchhiker from their hometown. So now I am tanning my right side in the passenger seat of my Explorer under 70 degree, cloudless, hazy lazy blue sky. I sent texts to erica, Louis, Mom and Dad and should write more later. This feels GOOD!.

Escalante day 7

Day 7, Mom's birthday

"Though he stumbles, he shall not fall for the lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37. This was my day. I opened this New Testament I brought to this passage before I started hiking today. I then freeclimbed the Fools Canyon waterfall with my pack on. I almost sank in El Esca three times, and lastly scooted along the slickrock here below my campsite back in Coyote Gulch without wavering, in the dark. Actually, I wavered and saw water oozing out of my shoes and knew I needed to go up and keep moving or slide down wet dark purple sandstone in the dark 40 feet to my demise. I even passed the drilled bolt that I was so sketched out on during day two or three that I wrote about. So today I hiked out of Fools and 8 miles down El Esca. It was only 50 degrees today, and by the time I sketched out on the sandstone mentioned above, it started raining.

I left Fools at 10 and gave myself 7 hours, and made it to camp at 7:20. Over nine hours of straight hiking-and yes - easily crossed El Esca 15 times today. I even had enough light to try out Crack in the Wall, but I can't find the route to it. Now in the dark I am sitting in my tent as it rains fairly hard. First time I have ever seen it rain down here. It gives the desert a new smell and feel for sure. Think dinner is done.

Great dinner! Mexican style chicken and rice with granola bar and peanut butter for dessert. Funny thing happening downstream. There are about 12 highschool or college kids partying in one of the higher coves. Wet and in the dark, I chatted with them to inquire how they got here. It was weird hearing them a long way before I could see them. Everything just carries and echoes in here. I asked them how they got down here, and they came in where I did, but one kid says he wants to take the trail up above the canyon near where I was preparing to camp. AHA, that must be the Crack-in -the-Wall! They sounded like they were behind every rock, because of the echo, but nope, they were just under one big one.

So, freeze-dried food is amazing. Is instant rice freeze-dried?

What I learned today is that so much is possible when clear and connected to god. by connected I mean opening a clear channel so God can enter and guide. Without God I never would have figured how to rappel that cliff or even bought the cord in the first place. I wouldn't have found the courage to climb back it. I wouldn't have found the endurance to hike 10 miles in 50 degree water soacked with sand in every crevice for nine hours. God makes all things possible. I also learned I am capable of so much if I trust myself. Whew!

I also thought of Bianca and Erica a lot today. I miss my little darling sweetie pie and cannot believe she is growing up without me to see her each day. I also miss Erica and see her smile and her eyes in my mind and long for them. Maybe someday.

One last thing. I didn't like Escalante going up, and I don't like Escalante going down. I wished a boat would come floating by and give me a ride--no such luck!

Escalante day 6

Day 6 March 16th Wednesday.

I wrote this small passage before I started climbing in case a whacked my head on a fall during it: Sketchy pourover in Fools Canyon. Going to lower pack, then make a rappel and downclimb. Hopefully won't break anything.
8:36 PM (found a voice recorder with a clock in it in my pack).The maneuver on the waterfall/pourover was sweet. Someone had left webbing there from a previous climb so that helped. I anchored myself so when the backpack dropped over the orange ledge, it wouldn't take me with it. Then I let my little baby over the roll, and waited until line stopped feeding through the carabiner belay. Then I gave myself some slack to see how well it went. I peered over the edge to see my pack lying perfectly on the dry side of the creek, just centimeters from where where it lay.

Then I undid the anchor from me, and started downclimbing and running the doubled 1/16" orange cord through the carabiner as a makeshift rappel. I was doing great on the small 1/2" shelves, and then right at the smooth bulge where there were no footholds, the rappel wrap of line popped out of the wire gated 'biner. "Damn" I said aloud, and thought "I'm in a tight spot". with one hand's fingers I rewrapped the belay in seconds and made quick deliberate steps down to the pack. As I revelled in the exciting move and glad I learned to climb, I realized my spool of cord was now bobbing in the pool below the waterfall. Huh. Lucky for me it notched on itself and came out without unspooling itself. I remember thinking: glad I don't have to try and climb up this, or haul my pack up this!

I just assumed there would be a gradual exit at the end of Fools Canyon, like an exit ramp, like the entrance to Coyote Canyon where I began the trip. Unfortunately, I have to do this all over again, because the end of Fools Canyon is a 100 foot cliff with a wide crack in it that I could shimmy up, but there is a 20 foot smooth beginning that I had no chance of protecting with the gear I had. Also, I didn't know what would be on the top of that cliff. Possibly another pourover, or another cliff that I couldn't climb.

So, although I thought I would feel like crying and feel defeated, I bolted back downstream, exploring every side canyon to see if it might offer an escape. None did. I made it about 2 miles down. I will bust out the rest of Fools and then back to the dreaded Escalante. I worry about that because it is cold, harsh, and not easy to walk along. It was exhausting to get here, now I have to do it in 2-3 days. Preferrably two but I don't know if my body can handle a long entire day in El Esca.

Last night I  had a dream about naked old ladies, and one was with a naked old man. It had something to do with charity. Better sleep.

Escalante day 5

End of day 5. Whew!
Another day of burley hiking up El Esca. Deep sand, rock fall to climb over, six crossings of the river, one false crossing, quicksand, thornbush, heat-it was two tough days going up that river, and I am glad I will not have to see its wet concrete color or feel its cold chill, or hear its RUSH that makes everything feel hurried. But then I would look up at the burnt orange 500 foot cliffs streaked in organic vegetative black, or swirled in cream, or see the three claw marks of Ursa Major as she lashed out at a misbehaving tourist or knocked a chunk off the face. That kept me going today, even when my left thigh couldn't make the high step and lift the load of my 50 pound pack. I slid down a sand slot today and after a piece of orange sandstone broke loose, and I thought I was leaving my left arm wrapped around a hand hold. After landing 20 feet down the slot, my hand tingled from the strain on the muscles of my shoulder and armpit.

Then the sun was high and hot and I was sweating and El Esca split in two and curled around to the north east, on the west bank I noticed a trickle of clear water coming in at the surface level and I blasted through the channel and swished my feet in the clear water ankle deep and I suddenly felt like tiptoeing up the mouth of Fools Canyon as gnarled cottonwoods perched over and protected green pools of water four feet deep and as wide, while newly sprouted grass grew healthily on both sides of the creek.

Most noticeable was the stillness of Fools Canyon. No grey green water, no rush  and requisite canyon echo--just trickles and silence. My head calmed, my body gave in, and when I found the spot in which I am sitting, I dropped my pack, grabbed my soap, and waked back downstreat to the deepest pool naked. Into it I slipped, and though I wasn't cold then, it makes me cold thinking about it. I washed the sand out of my ears and toes and armpits and neck. I was invigorated and exhilarated.

On that big dome, as I write under the moon light again, the Big Dipper sits on its handle. I think tomorrow I will head to the top of Fools Canyon, camp at King Spring, drink tons of spring water, and then head back to the car Thursday. Friday I will explore Peek-A-Boo and Spooky Gulches by car, then head back that night or Saturday morning to Bozeman. It might be nice to have a Sunday to unwind at home, see my dog and hopefully my baby girl. Otherwise I don't know what I will do at home except type this up.

So, I have had a lot of dreams about people I know on this trip. These include Elisa, Bud Lilly, Gramma Bechtel. With Elisa, she kept testing me. It was like Erica payed her to give me a bunch of grief and see if I could handle it.

With Bud Lilly, it was odd as if he passed away. I have really been thinking about Bianca a lot, but not so much this marriage. Earlier today I tried on the idea of living together, and I just don't see it. What do Maya's parents do? I should propose that.

I guess what I am revealing is I don't need anyone. I think of people in my life that I like to spend time with, but honestly my recovery is going well, I have learned that I have major issues solving my inside problems with outside temporary fixes. These include booze, sex, people, ice cream, affection, etc. These don't work. I remember that old guy in AA meetings in Missoula: "It's an inside job!"  I am also hearing a still calm, very clear voice in my head that is my voice, and I am listening to it. It speaks softly and offers encouragement and is positive. It is the voice I care with, teach with, but there is this other voice, the coward who wants fixes now, but is too afraid to go get them. That voice is silenced right now. I never want to hear it again.

Escalante day 4

End of day 4 7:30ish. March 14th

By the way, the moon is so bright tonight I am writing by it. Right now I am perched 80 feet above the green/chalky grey Escalante river, from hereon called El Esca. There is a huge chunck of rock that has slipped off the face and has formed an arch of sorts right up above me. I want to take some moon pictures through it tonight.  As mentioned before, water makes a lot of sound in the canyon country. I am sitting on a sand dune where I ate dinner, identified Taurus, Orion, Castor and Pollux, Pleides (my favorite) Perseus and Auriga. Some constellation is lurking behind a cliff, ans with such a bright moon I can see the constellations perfectly without all the "incidental" 5985 other stars we usually can see on a good night.

At night I have made a few observations. Bats come out at 6:15 and they are little buggers like a sparrow but unlike birds they hold their wing in the fron 1.3 of their tiny bodies. Or maybe their wings are in the middle like birds, but they point forward rather than backward like other birds. I haven't ever studied this to know why this is, but when looking up at these ravenous little guys this early in the evening I see the difference. I also noticed that the crickets come out aat night. Not like chirping noisy crickets in the summer, but tiny quiet little guys that crawl out from rocks and sneak under drying shirts and socks, or tents or other newly placed objects. They wriggle their tiny antenae when I lift something and expose them, probably wondering how that lizard lifted that backpack!  I wondered when I lived with Erica why the pet store sold crickets for the leopard geckos. Guess they really eat the darn things.

Also, I think I just felt the heated walls exhale. Their breath smells like sage and hot sandstone, and dry plants. I have also noticed something about my body. It hurts at the end of the day, and I get tired and it lets me know. Today crossing El Esca, 13-15 times, and hiking up rock piles and down rock piles and sand dunes, by the end I started falling with no chance of getting up with such a heavy pack. I need to pay heed to those types of signs. I just keep pushing and eventually become clumsy with fatigue.

I have also noticed how food and water fuel a depleted body. It was like the experience I had with the Bridger Ridge Run.  It goes way beyond just hungry, but to the point where the body has nothing do feed on anymore to draw strength. My legs had more of a tendency to cramp in the cold water, because of dehydration. It also had no fuel to keep warm. It seems I go from quart of gatorade and granola bar on one break to a handfull of trail mix and a swig at the next break. El Esca is so demanding that I never get a chance to just stroll. It is always up or in the river, or sliding down dunes and banks drying to keep my balance and not eat it face first pinned by my pack.

Anyway I  know I am getting older but I feel pretty badass out here. Oh, and I went 4 days without seeing people until today, when I ran into eight students from Wisconsin about 20 minutes after I started. I heard something like "Hey Katie, here's your guy." I wonder if she watched me showering naked under the waterfall. I probably made her GAG! They had the falls still to go, I had a sketch slick rock exposure. I was definitely sketch with my pack. I made it by smearing my palm on these red bulges of rock about 20 feet across, and smearing as much of my wet sandy shoe sole o the rock and scoothing to my left 50 feet above the creek. There were huge obelisks in the river and so I had no way to negotiate the river and had to come up high. I made it without losing my balance, and was able to retrieve the walking stick I have had since I left the trailhead at the car.

I laughed before I fell asleep thinking of Bianca's laugh. Before I left I tickled her like crazy and she just giggled and giggled! I worry Erica is pissed I am on this trip, or finding someone worthy of a family life, but who cares anyway. I can't control what she does, nor can I let the unknown occupy my head!

I didn't think this trip would be as hard as it has been. I have worked hard, explored side canyons dense with vegetation and cliffs. Carried a heavy pack through the COLD water of El Esca in waste deep crossings that froze and cramped the inner workings of my reproductive system and took several minutes out before the cramping eased. I have to poke at every step in El Esca because the river is impossible to see into, and there is quick sand and quick gravel and drop offs underneath that want to eat every step and hang on for good. Whew!

So tomorrow I plan on making it to Fools Canyon early, and setting up camp and exploring. Then the next day camping at the top of Fools and hiking out overland, to Red Well where I started. Day 8 I will hit Peek-a-Boo and the other slot canyons by car and a light pack.

Antoher thought I had was how out here there is no time for alcoholism or addiction. It feels like I am cured from the ails that plague my mind in the city. I pray every morning to stay clean all day and it is great! There is nothing to consume either, and I checked online and peyote and mescaline don't grow here! Oh, and the camera I bought for $20 on ebay sucks! The lens will not come out all the way, and while it tries to extend the lens it wears out all the batteries. Maybe it just has canyon sand in it. Sand is in everything else! Ed Abbey wrote about that when he floated the Colorado--sand in everything.

I also discovered today the most spectacular pools, something else Abbey wrote about. In the middle of a secret canyon a 5 foot clear pool, barely moving, obstructed by house-sized chunks of vermillion or rust. Tonight I washed the good times and my pits and face in one pool. It was cool and fresh, and the heat of a red rock warmed and dried me. We sure don't NEED much do we.

I've seen and heard 1/2 dozen jets since I have been writing tonight. Annoying bastards. Can we even really get away? Thousands of people have flown over me in the last hour. Probably 100,000 will fly over me this week.

Trip to Escalante Day 3

March 13 day 3

today was a good day, with a heavy pack and plans to make it past Cliff Arch. It was a cool one. the region it was in was a huge cathedral, or bowl and waterfalls in Coyote gulch made passing difficult. My body is clean and tired. Bats fly around everywhere eathing the first ineffective mosquitos of the season. The water does funny things--I can hear it change its flow when something disturbs it. And in the canyons, any sound is amplified. I noticed it today when crossing in Coyote that it would really change the sound below. I also noticed even the smallest rapids make a lot of noise when amplified by rock overhangs. So I stopped tonight on an exquisite bench overlooking the creek and housed in every direction by 3-400 foot cliffs. the moon is 1/2 full tonight and I longed for each step in the cool creek today. I drank filtered water from it. I saw two squirrels and two little rock climbing chipmunks and the same little lizards. No big boys yet, no mega fauna, although I have seen several tracks from small cats, and what even look like a mountain lion's tracks. I know they are in here.

I think from my camp tonight I can see Stevens Arch, but not sure. I get so disoriented in these canyons with distance. My topo maps really help me, but I still doubt my instincts. I think it is Stevens Arch because the rock through and behind the arch looks lighter, like it still has the setting sunlight on it even while I sit in this heaving dusk. Anyway, day 3 is good, and staying away from bugs and snakes and scorpions, although I would like to see both of the latter. God bless.

Also saw JHA, Natural Bridge, Cliff Arch. I see why people come down here but cannot imagine that many people are in good shape to crank out miles here. Maybe they are. They say once April starts, 7000 people visit this gulch annually.

Trip to Escalante Day 1 and 2

March 11 Day OneIt began at 6:30 in the back of the Explorer. The sun just pierced
these juniper trees I parked near last night in the dark at 1:00 AM. In I
rolled to Escalante, and I asked, who doesn’t open until 8:00? I rolled to the
Sinclair, and scored a machine latte, and piddled around in the sleepy little
town where the lawns are still brown from winter and the trees haven’t yet
cracked open their bursting leaf buds until the doors opened at Escalante
Outfitters. This place was cool and earthy with great books on the desert and
its legends, including a nice collection of Ed Abby books. I was told on the
phone a few days earlier that the café opened that morning, and of course my
eyes locked on the breakfast burrito. The kind woman behind the counter came
out and filled a coffee mug for me and said that they were serving everything
on the breakfast menu today and as I was about to interrupt her and order the
BB she said “except the breakfast burrito.” Small setback, I ordered a quiche,
and inhaled it, along with a cup of coffee that I wanted to take with me. The coffee
and service was great. I asked a woman on the retail side if she would listen
to my plan, and she thought it sounded great, though she had never been in
Fools Canyon.  She said she always wanted to go, and wanted me to come back at the end of my trip and let me know how it
went. I promised to do that.

            So I got packed and realized I had no hats1 I went back to town and bought one. I
thought about eight days without a hat! Not safe. The hike in then went from 1
until 2:30, and it was shady and cooler and worked out great. Now I am camped
on this nestled little peak above the river and only a corner or two from Jacob
Hamblin Arch (JHA).

            Uncle Ben’s rice is amazing with the chicken pouch. It was like spicy chicken rice soup in
the pan against my terraced red-purple rock kitchenette. The heat of the pan
kept me warm. I ate it all, needed the calories and fluid. Goodnight. Thank you
God.

March 12 Day 2 5ish?

Figure I camped about a mile short of JHA. This morning woke
before the sun, went back to sleep, and woke with the sun high! I ate oatmeal,
drank last night’s chamomile tea, made coffee, and went for a jaunt to see how
far way JHA is. It is a ways. I should wear water shoes tomorrow after I bust
camp and head that way. I think the walk helped me get a new sense of scale.
Two miles as the crow flies is many river miles. I heard someone say in
Escalante Outfitters that Ed Abbey said if Utah was ironed out it would be the
largest state in the union. I get it. Another think is how good walking in the
river feels. Water splashing and not freezing from it? Anyone? Awesome! When I
got the arch it was aglow. And I thought about how those Mormons have something
figured out. Success, CYA ness, I mean, J.H. was implicated in the Mountain
Meadow Massacre, and has this beautiful formation in a National Monument status
park, just shining away in the noonday sun. So I trotted back and think I know
where this campsite is on my map. Still things are weird. I will walk with map
tomorrow.

Right now my camp is peaceful, and I am in the shade. Several times today I panicked and
thought I should move on, but I’m glad I didn’t. My pack needed the rest and I needed
to eat more food before morning o make pack lighter. Get up, eat breakfast, and
break and go as far as I can downstream. To Escalante? Maybe, that will be
plan. Then I can spend a couple days back up Coyote Gulch or Stevens Canyon or
Escalante and still have two days left.

I bushwhacked up a crazy canyon near camp. Sleepy Hollow maybe? It was reedy with
6 foot snake grass and the crash site for two Mylar balloons that read Happy
Birthday! on them.

While I was reading page 199 of Edward Abbey I heard a Canyon Wren and this other bird—screecher-black head, orange wing, white breast black back. White and black flashes when it
flies. Loud. Not trying to see if this is the same bird making ruckuses in the underbush. Yes, it’s him. Cute little guy.

Telling humans “what you are doing is going to end the earth” is like 3000 B.C.E. prophets
claiming the same things. Maybe? 2011 soothsayer/ prophet/ Nostradamus.

I hear the shrieking oriole (that’s what he looks like). Sun has set. Canyon changes color
all day long. Now it is purple, was pink, orange, red, rust, JHA is gold, or
copper. BAT!! Just came swooping in right at me. Yikes-cool-breath. Life is the
basics out here.